What’s Next

This week has been nothing but a depressing disaster! I’ve been lied to, however advised I heard what I desired and not the real story.. I’ve been referred to as a manipulator, by expressing how I was feeling due to the injustice of infidelity primarily because “ It was an attack”. Furthermore, I’ve been stabbed with the knife of my mistakes from 3 years ago over and over and over. I had been drowned with the consequences of the bad choices I made from start to now. I strongly believe I am not good enough ……………that I am not important……….. I’m definitely not worth the pain I caused in my past in order to try to stay together under the definition of true love…….. I’m not capable of being loved due to my imperfections…………. I’m completely lost………almost to the extent of not being able to find my path back home. Last night was the earthquake that I’ve tried to prevent from happening, but the forces were too sturdy for me to withstand.

Have you ever been told you have wasted years of your life trying to prove you’re a different person now and that you understand everything clearly? Whilst truly believing you had been progressing and proving this reunion wasn’t a mistake or a drag in time?…….Youre significant other had been faking everything off so you wouldnt think otherwise…..Occupying his sexual needs with someone else and blaming me for his decision in doing so…………..Do you understand how that feels? Its utterly fucking disappointing. At 1 a.m, I found myself sitting on the foot of my bed, at the toes of my 2-year-old, in our winterized room and just gazed into the empty darkish spaces of the room……Anxiety and depression start singing their anthem in tune and fixed harmony causing me to start the self evaluation test. “Where is my worth?” ……“Why was I chosen to be delivered upon his path of life?”…..”Why do I have to be mentally ill?”………all these questions floating inside the waves of my brain making an attempt to slice up what dignity, purification, and optimism I have left…..leaving me bare, cold, hopeless, numb, confused, and resentful. For, the only true cause of still being alive is that I am fighting for my little one. To her I supply my strength, compassion, knowledge, love, understanding, and life. To others, numbness, silence, emotionless, and hatred. Here is what my lifestyle of 18 years has transformed me.